Walking with LOVE … in LIFE

My feet .. gotta LOVE them ... they take me everywhere :)
My feet .. gotta LOVE them … they take me everywhere 🙂

On a path of an open HEART from childhood really … Shamanic and HEALING from teens … Deeply Forgiving … always forgiving everything and everyone … Understanding & Accepting of ALL  .. through out my 40 sommat years …

This last year being in the same space as my Heart Soul mate …Andreas has yet again on this journey of life … opened profound and deep healing … to levels /depths I didn’t even know I had…   Each of us full and whole … complete flames … in our own right  …. our Flames entwined and expanding … leaving no rock unturned or unbalanced .(twin Flame(s)my own views / feelings on that though have definitely proven correct , so lots to share on that front ..soon as I get it written properly that is.. ;)) …

Its been a bit like …OH Goood G ( Golly 😉 & Gosh 🙂 if I had not forgiven everything and everyone with such ease through life .. no matter how bad it was .. I really would NOT BE HERE NOW …. No it would have all been way to much …. My Heart & Compassion has been stamped and trampled on to such a degree that if I was one of those Japanese old crocs .. broken and prepared lovingly with gold gluing together the broken pieces … there would only be gold showing … none of the broken pieces at all … cause repair upon repair has over lapped and overlapped …. so much that the LOVE LIGHT in my HEART that kept repairing itself .. is ALL thats left … & thats quite an amazing discovery … SO GRATEFUL

& so GRATEFUL for this last year …. SO GRATEFUL for my HEART Mate ( Heartmate I’ll get to describing it in a post or two soon ..as its not soul mate or twin flame or really any of all that I’ve seen waffled about online although there is some beautiful … honourable and truthful sharing out there …… but its so much more … Now I might be fluffy to some but I don’t do fluff as such … I like simplicity …. just straight forward no nonsense kinda thing .. NOW NATURE … yip mama earth she knows .. no fluff there .. she just IS  .. Nature she’s sold and sure and LOVE … CREATION … ALL … so yip … oh … a another post … cause I’ll get myself way of track 🙂 )

Right where was I … YES …GRATEFUL for this time together … and for his amazing capacity to cope with floods … although they have been healing for us both … topics dont come up only one side so to speak 🙂 .. .but darn all that’s come out of me we have been close to needing the flipping ARK … tears of shock revelations … tears of sadness … tears for all the beauty that could have been ..if only others chose awake … and not drama … yikes … & tears of Gratitude … for feeling the LOVE & Compassion from someone else …

Feeling the LOVE & Compassion given freely … the way I’ve always given it … but had no idea Id never felt what it felt like ot be shown .. given … recieve … this amazing magic of Complete Compassion& unconditional LOVE … friend or foe I know how to give it … but RECEIVING it has at times been overwhelming to say the least …. .. MOST BEAUTIFUL & AMAZING … but overwhelming in so far that I’ve been seeing  just how few crumbs I was grateful for … & just how extreme  those rose coloured glasses I wore was …. not to mention how many layers they had …

This was also in a big way .. even more insight into …  the armour (body) I had built up …… how and why I could posible stay so big .. cause for years I was hardly eating at all … I could not .. first because I felt dreadful on the pill back then and almost doubled my bodyweight (about 24 or so years ago) …. and that all happened in less than 6 months … SHOCKING..

So for years I blamed the pill .. and the heart ache around trying to get some help from the doctors to help myself  …   but way to shocking for doc’s too … because there was no medical explanation that they would except .. and they refused to see that it was the pill … or even to look into it really … I was just totally ignored and put down  …. &  not eating because pill made me feel sick and even as if I was on high seas all the time  …. Silly to keep taking it …OH YES .. but I kept taking it because it was important to me not to get pregnant with an alcoholic partner at the time  … Well that was  a BIGGIE in that relationship ( but thats yet again another topic … darn its one of those days again … all coming up to be written I guess … so I best get on with it 🙂  …. well after no more pill and going vegan ..raw super health freak …. well I already was in a way … but went to super  extreme you could say … to fix me ……. body and me at war so to speak … hmmm well ..

The ARMOUR though … was EMOTIONAL .. all FEELING based …..because I always felt sickish.. well at times really sick and even vomited … by being around some.people and their drama … so not eating before being near them was my coping mechanism … only way I could stand it ….  now I never wanted to be sick … I used to try everything not to be … so didnt even fit into any of the eating disorders … but I did a fair amount of in depth research before I was satisfied with that conclusion  …. getting a Diploma in Nutrition and a 3 year teacher training course in Yoga .. being Vegan …. eating mostly RAW … and nothing helped me loose weight  …. It was Crazy really .. and talking about it was a nightmare too … or should I say being lectured on it … my weight that is … cause all would  …. rant and rave on about how disgusting I was and how I obviously knew nothing … when it turned out I knew more than they did … it turned to anger and I was accused of lying …. over and over … so I stopped responding & just went quiet …

The weight ARMOUR … was my BODY’s way of PROTECTING ME … from all the huge hits my HEART kept taking  ……  when my heart believed in love compassion and sharing  … TRUSTing .. and always hoping … for honour and integrity … a keeping of words … a possibility they would be being nice & honourable … keeping promises this time … which never came …..

My Cinderella with out the prince or fairy godmother self  which I “sarkily” call that period of my life …… I have stepped out of .. and left it FAR behind ….but  Looking at my life … I wonder how I managed to stay ME .. stay LOVING … stay TRUE to my HEART …  … cause my supposed role models when young … all around me was  ….  greed anger and hatred ..jealousies .. bitterness ..sadness … all hidden in a thin veneers of  drama filled love … YUCK … & I knew it … it always felt wrong …. but it was… just that … family its supposed to be sharing and caring …  NO so not always the case … being tooooo sensitive I guess … feeling everything … knowing the underlying truth … seeing it …and also seeing and honouring everyones path .. where they were on it at any given time …. hmmm and accepting that …

I used to joke that I must be allergic to my family through late teens and 20’s … HA ..as it turned out … I was … or well to the hurt … with all the forgiveness I never even noticed really .. that the pain of their words and actions that I laughed at or with …sat deep within my cells  … and my body knew … remembered and responded to all the shit … in the only way it knew how …. padding … protection … hide … make ARMOUR   … If ..  it /my life … had been a cartoon it would have been funny … OOO & also .. the scene in Harry potter when he blows up his aunt … she pops out like a balloon … well it was a bit like that … only not light … but heavy as … shocking to the system to gain so much weight so fast … like water pouring in ..liters and liters every day ..and solidifying … freezing up like stone …

Well the weight … the Armour …. I still have some left .. but its going with LOVE & just BEing .. no diet …apart from LOVING everything ❤  ….. this last year though much slower ..but thats been mainly because I’ve kept almost shocking myself over and over with realisation after realisation …. of just how much I held for way to many  and for way to long ….

+ the whole being thrown other peoples messes to clean up too … the real big life altering messes they so happily made and guess who was left holding the flipping bag … Oh my  …  … really life can take you some places …  Well somehow always  flowing with what was  … doing what was necessary …. required and putting broken people back together again … including my own mum …. but I must say mum being thrown out of her home by my sister & co just as I was wrapping my head around all this … body blowing into ballooooooon in a mega way thing … nearly 20 years ago … didn’t make it easy .. Mum’s bitterness and anger at what had been done to her … was hard work indeed … but somehow  with a lot of learning along the way …. with LOVE & FORGIVENESS … wrapped in Compassion … sharing my healing gifts … helping others help themselves … helping them feel good ..well and happy …. has made every aspect however though .. of a long journey .. into valuable lessons …

well in the 3 Years  after my mother passed into light … I released oooo so much … & I went from this …   :

KONICA MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERA
Me …Maia … and even a bit bigger than this too … up until mum passed 7th February 2010 …. then up and down … well EMOTIONS and sadness .. so much MY ARMOUR had to release …. including being told by my brother 2 weeks after that he had hated me from the day I was born … forgiving .. and relaxing cause he seem to have seen light somehow … but all illusion cause he wanted to take what was left I guess …… some don’t use the freedom of choice to well ..but thats their lesson and their karma … its now 4 years later … other picture is more appropriate … but with some releasing and sadness coming to the surface of all the old hurt …. I can still swell out and look several stone heavier in minutes … YIKES … but so Grateful I know and can bless and release now so … always stay centred in me and LOVE … I finally have compassion for me too

to this :

to this .... ME ... Maia in July 2013  ... with just choosing LOVE ... & JOY .. being FREE to just BE ME for the first time in my life ... & NOT accepting any more drama of any kind ...
to this …. ME … Maia in July 2013 … with just choosing LOVE … & JOY .. being FREE to just BE ME for the first time in my life … & NOT accepting any more drama of any kind …

while eating stuff I had not even dreamed of touching more than on a rare occasion for most of my life ….  opted for eating EVERYTHING …. Yip I’ve been loosing weight eating chocolate crisps and pizza 🙂 LOL .. well not only obviously 🙂 … but whenever I wanted …

The KEY … JOY … LOVE  …. so … having gotten this key .. early on in life … and tried everything … and then some …. but I didn’t quite have the inner VALUE of me in order …. so … my body only heard my thoughts and words about myself and all the words and shit from others …. so mega ARMOUR it was

Standing up to some of the most intimidating bullying imaginable … well threats from brother about knowing people who would pop my knees … destroy them … and me … was lets just say interesting ….. it restarted after a break of almost 2 years …after mum left our realm I hoped that it was all over .. but no .. but I talked about this a couple of posts ago … so no need to repeat myself …

The bullying  had some breaks in between through the years .. when my brother 22 years older than me  … was being nice instead of mean to me …  there was obviously something he wanted from me  … Well my Final stand … to Finally standing up to him and all of them … (the boggarts ) … stepping away …. was the best thing I have ever done for me in my life … It was the final and extreme / complete release of all old and not beneficial in my life ….

It left it pretty bear though … people wise  … I must say … cause well when your down or running on empty etc. … you know that saying  … then you will really know who your real friends are … ITS TRUE … or even better ..learn to say NO … and .. watch he slink away …. or juicier … ask for help where you have given so much … and in my case  …. it felt a  bit like …OOOOO we’re playing hide and go seek …. Yep … I so dont think so ….

Really I start to VALUE myself like I’ve always VALUED ALL … and … vamos … I tell ya …  not even a magician could have hidden a rabbit in a hat that well 😉 YIKES …  but awesome really … cause darn there was /is room for so much MAGIC in my LIFE NOW ….

& Magic in LOVE too …. but yes … having done soul work … Void travels from over 20 years .. so much inner work …. I have been again surprised at just how much …  there was still inside of me  …. & that there was some FORGIVING still to do … of MYSELF for ALLOWING all I allowed  … and just accepted bad behaviour ..cause it was just how they were so to speak … it became so normal that it didn’t even stick out … it just was ….

So never forget …… ALWAYS :

LOVE Yourself…

TRUST Yourself…

VALUE Yourself …

ACCEPT Yourself..

FORGIVE Yourself …

BLESS Yourself …

EMPOWER Yourself…

EXPRESS Yourself..

& don’t forget to share the Magic ..There is only LOVE & WE ARE ALL ONE ..

Maia

 

Japanese mended vase

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